If You Only Knew
Sleep, or peaceful hibernation, was far from X’s grasp. No matter how hard he tried, how tightly he clenched his eyes shut and willed himself to shut down to oblivion, reality wasn’t letting him go, and X gasped out a sob. He rolled out of the stasis pod after the thirtieth failure to synchronize and collapsed onto his human bed, staring at the digital clock on the stand nearby.
3:57 A.M.
X reached next to the clock, grabbing the saber handle there. It was all that was left of him… all that X could physically grasp and cradle to his chest as if it could impact life-preserving energy right into his form. Perhaps, if he focused enough, there was some clue on the weapon that could lead him right back to Zero.
Zero…
X curled up tightly on the bed, shaking uncontrollably. When he was told there was no trace of Zero outside of his saber, he had gone numb. It wasn’t a shut down, not even a blue screen, yet X felt and heard nothing. People thought he was dealing with it well, gracefully even, but they couldn’t see him now. Shock was still raw, jagged, pain wrapping itself around inside of him and all X could do was let it out in the form of tears and desperate, raspy sobs of Zero’s name.
3:58 A.M.
Not even exhaustion let X slip from the world for a few precious moments. He wanted so badly to embrace oblivion, to glide amongst the black nothingness that was Reploid sleep. He knew he could avoid dreaming if he shut down, knew he could just stop existing if he just shut down.
“Zero…”
Maybe if the last time he saw Zero wasn’t so gruesome, X could manage it better. If Zero wasn’t mangled, wasn’t torn in half, bleeding profusely and quietly begging him to live. If Zero had been whole, perfect, smiling in his last moments, X could move on with less heaviness in his heart. Yet Zero was in pain, in agony, when he died, when he vanished… and it was because X couldn’t protect him. Couldn’t save him… when X failed him.
3:59 A.M.
No, he couldn’t think like that. Zero begged him to live on, to go on, and to let himself waste away was not fulfilling Zero’s final request. X curled up in a tighter ball, staring at the clock, the saber pressed against his chest and clutched tightly like a child would its favorite and most treasured toy. Wisps of Zero, it felt, gently caressed X’s face and side, down his back, a tender touch that slowly led X to relax but still tears slipped form his eyes, unhindered by the phantom comfort.
Zero…
If only Zero knew. If X had been brave, while his best friend still lived, to tell him everything. To tell him just how important he was to X, to stress how wonderful of a person he was despite the guilt X knew Zero died with. If X did his job as Zero’s friend, if X truly loved him, he would have taken that guilt and…
4:00 A.M.
X swore he heard Zero’s voice in his head, and although he knew it was just him possibly hallucinating, he focused on it anyway. Whispers in Zero’s voice filtered through the pain, the sadness, and the words spoken softly loosened X’s heart a little. The pain lessened, just a little, but X would take what comfort he could.
“I don’t blame you.”
“I love you. I care for you. That’s why I want you to live.”
“I believe in you. In you, your dream, your ideal. I fought for them. For you.”
“X, its okay.”
Zero was gone, X knew, yet he grasped at the memories and the saber and clutched them possessively. He refused to let them, let Zero, go and selfishly kept them close inside. X was strong, he knew it, but he needed Zero. He always had Zero, and suddenly not was just devastating. How could X live? Where X was, Zero was, vice versa, always had been that way. Every memory X had, Zero was there! How could…
4:02 A.M.
Memories filtered into X’s hazy mind. Memories of Zero, of the days they spent together. Whether it was on a mission or off, nothing but good came from the images and sounds, the recordings X treasured beyond anything other than Zero’s saber. Those were wonderful times…
“Won’t forget, will you?”
“What? Never! Trust me, X.”
X trusted him, trusted in him. He had no reason not to… but then that trust failed. He failed, and he weakened them both, made them susceptible to Sigma’s attack. X tried to get past the guilt, and yet…
4:03 A.M.
Three past four, and X couldn’t sleep. Not without Zero next to him, not without knowing if he got up and went next door his best friend would be right there. X began to move restless, tossing and turning, trying to distract himself from the pain.
What if I can’t survive this, Zero?
“Hey, I’m right here. Always have been. It’s okay, X.”
I wanted to tell you…
“I know. I always knew. It’s okay…”
X curled back into a miserable little ball, wiping at his eyes, knowing he’ll be crying all night and not get any rest.
If Zero only knew…