Epiphany
/Your words to me, just a whisper...
Your face is so unclear...
I try to pay attention...
Your words just disappear.../
Zero slowly ran his fingertips along the saber handle, his eyes unfocused as his mind roamed. No matter how much he fought, how many he slew with the weapon, the answers of its origin eluded him. All he heard in the back of his mind, as if underwater, was his name being called. And if he closed his eyes, all Zero could see was a blurry mixture of blue and tan… if he tried to focus, all he could see was just a smile. A simple, sad smile that made his heart twist and he lost his breath, forcing Zero's eyes to snap open and grab his vest over his chest.
Such a tiny expression caused so much pain…
Zero slowly placed the saber down on a barren desk, rising to his feet and going to the door. He meant to go ask Ciel, wondering if perhaps she had heard the voice during that chaotic moment. But if she had, would she have not mentioned it?
Zero knew there was a chance that perhaps it was an enemy, trying to play with his mind. Yet the moment he thought such, he immediately dismissed it. Somehow, he knew the voice, the presence, was an ally. That smile caused pain not from evil or betrayal, but from something deeper. Not necessarily positive but…
He couldn't remember. No matter how hard he tried, Zero just couldn't remember. The fact he lost so much made him stop at the door, staring at the reflection of himself on its shiny surface. He'd forgotten himself, the voice, the face… All he heard when he tried to recall was his name. Everything else was gone.
The crushing fact he was alone made Zero drop to the ground. He bowed his head, feeling guilty for something he couldn't recall. But that didn't make him any less responsible.
Such a tiny expression caused so much pain…
Zero slowly placed the saber down on a barren desk, rising to his feet and going to the door. He meant to go ask Ciel, wondering if perhaps she had heard the voice during that chaotic moment. But if she had, would she have not mentioned it?
Zero knew there was a chance that perhaps it was an enemy, trying to play with his mind. Yet the moment he thought such, he immediately dismissed it. Somehow, he knew the voice, the presence, was an ally. That smile caused pain not from evil or betrayal, but from something deeper. Not necessarily positive but…
He couldn't remember. No matter how hard he tried, Zero just couldn't remember. The fact he lost so much made him stop at the door, staring at the reflection of himself on its shiny surface. He'd forgotten himself, the voice, the face… All he heard when he tried to recall was his name. Everything else was gone.
The crushing fact he was alone made Zero drop to the ground. He bowed his head, feeling guilty for something he couldn't recall. But that didn't make him any less responsible.
/So I speak to you in riddles,
Cause my words get in my way.../
Cause my words get in my way.../
It was too hard to face him. X had barely managed to swallow down the despair to give Zero the tool he needed for take on the challenges he would now face… and he wasn't sure if he could do it again. He wanted to tell Zero everything at that moment, but it was certainly not the right moment, nor could he have said it anyway.
It didn't matter anymore. As much as X didn't want to admit it, what they were a hundred years ago could never come back. Zero's memories weren't locked like Ciel and the others thought… perhaps a few were. Perhaps the strongest ones remained, but X knew forced awakening wiped memory chips. What they were was gone, replaced by what they couldn't be.
The world demanded a hero, and X failed that. He had to pave the way for Zero, and his love was the foundation to be trampled on and forgotten. They no longer had the time to be who they were… no. It was X who didn't have the time. Zero didn't have the obligation. This time, he was free. As much as it hurt, X could let him choose from now on. Wasn't it the saying, if you loved someone you let them go?
X tried to let Zero go. But his heart hurt too much. He had to block himself, stop himself, from going to Zero and trying to revive what should be left in peace. After all, X could never return to the world. It was best if Zero never remembered.
X had to steel himself. He had a duty… feelings couldn't get in the way.
It didn't matter anymore. As much as X didn't want to admit it, what they were a hundred years ago could never come back. Zero's memories weren't locked like Ciel and the others thought… perhaps a few were. Perhaps the strongest ones remained, but X knew forced awakening wiped memory chips. What they were was gone, replaced by what they couldn't be.
The world demanded a hero, and X failed that. He had to pave the way for Zero, and his love was the foundation to be trampled on and forgotten. They no longer had the time to be who they were… no. It was X who didn't have the time. Zero didn't have the obligation. This time, he was free. As much as it hurt, X could let him choose from now on. Wasn't it the saying, if you loved someone you let them go?
X tried to let Zero go. But his heart hurt too much. He had to block himself, stop himself, from going to Zero and trying to revive what should be left in peace. After all, X could never return to the world. It was best if Zero never remembered.
X had to steel himself. He had a duty… feelings couldn't get in the way.
/I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away.../
And feel it wash away.../
Dreaming was a concept Zero wished Reploids were truly incapable of. If only he could just float in oblivion when he rested or was repaired, then waking up would not be such a struggle. Waking up would not be such a disappointment, and he wouldn't have to lie through his teeth to his supposed allies.
Each time Zero dreamed it was the same blurry images, the same faded voice that reportedly made him toss and turn in the repair pod. The images might have been clear in sleep, but the moment Zero woke up they were patches and pieces. No matter how hard he tried to recall, it was like his own systems were against him, eventually discarding all aspects of the dream until he went back to sleep. A pathetic cycle he found himself a slave to, and it was driving Zero crazy.
But he couldn't tell that to the others. The Resistance looked to him as their final hope, their last chance at a normal life… if they knew he was distressed, by dreams or phantoms no less, they would fall back into their pits of despair. Zero had to hold them up, that was his new duty. But if only he could recall his old one.
He never saw that voice again, felt that presence again. Leader after leader of Neo Arcadia he slew or chased off, and at one point he even purposely put Ciel and the entire Resistance in danger to try and evoke the presence. But Zero's attempts were in vain, and each battle he fought, the harder it was to remember it.
Zero had the sinking feeling he lost the most important part of himself, and he would never get it back. And if that were the case, did he have any right to claim to be 'Zero' anymore?
Each time Zero dreamed it was the same blurry images, the same faded voice that reportedly made him toss and turn in the repair pod. The images might have been clear in sleep, but the moment Zero woke up they were patches and pieces. No matter how hard he tried to recall, it was like his own systems were against him, eventually discarding all aspects of the dream until he went back to sleep. A pathetic cycle he found himself a slave to, and it was driving Zero crazy.
But he couldn't tell that to the others. The Resistance looked to him as their final hope, their last chance at a normal life… if they knew he was distressed, by dreams or phantoms no less, they would fall back into their pits of despair. Zero had to hold them up, that was his new duty. But if only he could recall his old one.
He never saw that voice again, felt that presence again. Leader after leader of Neo Arcadia he slew or chased off, and at one point he even purposely put Ciel and the entire Resistance in danger to try and evoke the presence. But Zero's attempts were in vain, and each battle he fought, the harder it was to remember it.
Zero had the sinking feeling he lost the most important part of himself, and he would never get it back. And if that were the case, did he have any right to claim to be 'Zero' anymore?
/'Cause I can't take any more of this;
I want to come apart.../
I want to come apart.../
X fell to his knees next to Zero's prone form, trying to find the words he wanted to say. The words he had practiced, had rehearsed. Where was that confidence, that resolve, he had forced himself to have so long ago? He managed to remain cryptic and sparse when he gave Zero the way to Neo Arcadia… but now, alone with him, able to leave the words in his head… X was afraid. What message could he leave behind?
He didn't have time to debate, but even then he remained quiet. What was there to say…? What could he say that didn't eventually slip into how much he loved the Reploid lying before him? What could he utter that didn't give rise to the pain he felt ever since they were forced apart?
"Since you've disappeared, I've been…" X whispered, "… been so alone. Battle after battle, for near a hundred years… clinging to the hope at the end of the long, painful and sad road you would be there. But I faltered… I couldn't finish walking that road. I can't walk anymore, Zero, not alone… could you…"
This was pathetic, and X angrily wiped away the tears that collected in his eyes. Tears only he could feel, the cold wetness trailing down his cheeks; they fell onto Zero's lax cheek, and he didn't twitch. In a way, X no longer existed… not to this world. Not to Zero. It tore his heart apart, and he covered his face with his palms.
He knew he was gone from the world. But somewhere in X he denied it… now he truly realized everything he had known and loved was gone. All that was left was him, and once he was gone, not even memory would remain. He didn't want to see such a tragic ending, but X had no choice. He had this obligation to the world, to the humans…
"I'm so sorry…" X mumbled through his invisible hands before he flickered from existence.
Zero didn't move until several minutes later, when the words sunk in and awoken him. He pushed himself up, looking around frantically for the voice. The voice he finally knew as X.
"… but we are the best partners…"
He didn't have time to debate, but even then he remained quiet. What was there to say…? What could he say that didn't eventually slip into how much he loved the Reploid lying before him? What could he utter that didn't give rise to the pain he felt ever since they were forced apart?
"Since you've disappeared, I've been…" X whispered, "… been so alone. Battle after battle, for near a hundred years… clinging to the hope at the end of the long, painful and sad road you would be there. But I faltered… I couldn't finish walking that road. I can't walk anymore, Zero, not alone… could you…"
This was pathetic, and X angrily wiped away the tears that collected in his eyes. Tears only he could feel, the cold wetness trailing down his cheeks; they fell onto Zero's lax cheek, and he didn't twitch. In a way, X no longer existed… not to this world. Not to Zero. It tore his heart apart, and he covered his face with his palms.
He knew he was gone from the world. But somewhere in X he denied it… now he truly realized everything he had known and loved was gone. All that was left was him, and once he was gone, not even memory would remain. He didn't want to see such a tragic ending, but X had no choice. He had this obligation to the world, to the humans…
"I'm so sorry…" X mumbled through his invisible hands before he flickered from existence.
Zero didn't move until several minutes later, when the words sunk in and awoken him. He pushed himself up, looking around frantically for the voice. The voice he finally knew as X.
"… but we are the best partners…"
/Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart.../
Inside your precious heart.../
The days were blurring together after the first three months of conflict, and Zero was now starting to show it. His armor was cracked in several places, dulled and chipped; his vest and undersuit suffered tears and some areas were thinned to their last threads. Yet he trudged on, leading Neo Arcadian forces way from the Resistance, endlessly fighting. He fought to protect Ciel and the others… fought to regain his memories.
Fought to bring X back to him.
He had heard X's last words to him three months ago. Heard the words and the anguish in his voice, every syllable stitched with pain, and couldn't comprehend why. He could only remember they had fought together, side by side, always helping each other. But for a century… Zero had been sleeping. And X fought alone.
He had to take up the mantle. He had to give X the chance to rest… he fought for a hundred years, what was three months?
Yet despite knowing that, Zero would still fall to his knees and yell at the unforgiving desert sun. He'd yell for X, for answers and memories. For just one chance to speak to him.
Tell me what I'm missing! I'll fix it… I promise…
But each time he yelled such, Zero wanted to collapse in guilt. How could he promise such when he had broken so many other promises already? He was shocked X ever spoke to him at all…
At this point in time, Zero fought just to prove he still existed. Because if he existed, there was a chance X would return to him. Share with him the missing pieces, give him another chance to prove himself. There was a piece of him within X, a piece he needed to rightly call himself 'Zero,' and he was at X's mercy to get it. If he even deserved it.
I just want to see him. See the one who persists within me after a hundred years and so much conflict…
He wanted to stay a part of X… but he wanted to know what, exactly, that part was. So Zero continued to fight, days bleeding into days, months decaying to months; all that remained on his mind was the one memory he cherished: of X's blissful smile.
Fought to bring X back to him.
He had heard X's last words to him three months ago. Heard the words and the anguish in his voice, every syllable stitched with pain, and couldn't comprehend why. He could only remember they had fought together, side by side, always helping each other. But for a century… Zero had been sleeping. And X fought alone.
He had to take up the mantle. He had to give X the chance to rest… he fought for a hundred years, what was three months?
Yet despite knowing that, Zero would still fall to his knees and yell at the unforgiving desert sun. He'd yell for X, for answers and memories. For just one chance to speak to him.
Tell me what I'm missing! I'll fix it… I promise…
But each time he yelled such, Zero wanted to collapse in guilt. How could he promise such when he had broken so many other promises already? He was shocked X ever spoke to him at all…
At this point in time, Zero fought just to prove he still existed. Because if he existed, there was a chance X would return to him. Share with him the missing pieces, give him another chance to prove himself. There was a piece of him within X, a piece he needed to rightly call himself 'Zero,' and he was at X's mercy to get it. If he even deserved it.
I just want to see him. See the one who persists within me after a hundred years and so much conflict…
He wanted to stay a part of X… but he wanted to know what, exactly, that part was. So Zero continued to fight, days bleeding into days, months decaying to months; all that remained on his mind was the one memory he cherished: of X's blissful smile.
/I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention.../
That cries out for attention.../
X knew he shouldn't have, but he could no longer withstand the throbbing pain in his heart. The moments Zero slept, he went to him. He heard Zero's demands, heard his pleas, but he couldn't answer them. Knowing he shouldn't, because he no longer had the right. Who was he to ask for Zero's heart again? He no longer remembered… X was the past.
And yet it was Zero who called for him, and although he only came to him in dreams, X nonetheless went to him. He could not stop himself.
"I'm here," X would whisper to Zero's prone body, sitting next to him. Sometimes X leaned gently against his chest, wishing he could feel those arms around him again. "I'm always here, even when I have no right…"
Night after night, X would go to him. And night after night, he would leave him before he awoke, and X watched over him from far out of sight yet never out of mind. Each day Zero implored to him eventually and it made it harder and harder to stay away. If Zero remembered even a little bit, shouldn't he give them the chance to enjoy what was left of their love?
X was selfish. After so many years of giving himself to the world, it was only normal he wanted something in return. He wanted Zero back… Zero's love, Zero's loyalty, just Zero, but he couldn't have him! And yet that was all he wanted… if X had to pass from the world, he wanted to pass knowing Zero remembered. Knowing Zero still cherished him as he cherished Zero.
"I just want to see him," Zero uttered one day after slaying yet another unit of Neo Arcadians. "Just… let me see him…"
Moments like those, who did Zero speak to? X had long ago discarded the idea of a higher being or power… if such an entity existed, why would such agony be in place? Yet Zero exercised a sort of faith… he of all people.
By the tenth month, X broke.
Zero was just about to hibernate for the night when X appeared. He stared, eyes wide and mouth dropped open, and all X did was hold his hand out. He half prayed to whatever existed beyond him that Zero would take his hand. Half prayed he wouldn't.
Zero reached with both of his hands. They couldn't quite grasp X's, but he tried… he tried so damn hard and X saw it. He fell to his knees before Zero and tried to embrace him, but cruelty was the way of the world, there was no true touch.
But it was enough. X couldn't feel them when they fell on him, but he saw the tears slipping out of Zero's eyes. The blond was confused at them… but he smiled. X had never seen him smile since he woke up, and it was more beautiful than life itself. And it was for X only.
And yet it was Zero who called for him, and although he only came to him in dreams, X nonetheless went to him. He could not stop himself.
"I'm here," X would whisper to Zero's prone body, sitting next to him. Sometimes X leaned gently against his chest, wishing he could feel those arms around him again. "I'm always here, even when I have no right…"
Night after night, X would go to him. And night after night, he would leave him before he awoke, and X watched over him from far out of sight yet never out of mind. Each day Zero implored to him eventually and it made it harder and harder to stay away. If Zero remembered even a little bit, shouldn't he give them the chance to enjoy what was left of their love?
X was selfish. After so many years of giving himself to the world, it was only normal he wanted something in return. He wanted Zero back… Zero's love, Zero's loyalty, just Zero, but he couldn't have him! And yet that was all he wanted… if X had to pass from the world, he wanted to pass knowing Zero remembered. Knowing Zero still cherished him as he cherished Zero.
"I just want to see him," Zero uttered one day after slaying yet another unit of Neo Arcadians. "Just… let me see him…"
Moments like those, who did Zero speak to? X had long ago discarded the idea of a higher being or power… if such an entity existed, why would such agony be in place? Yet Zero exercised a sort of faith… he of all people.
By the tenth month, X broke.
Zero was just about to hibernate for the night when X appeared. He stared, eyes wide and mouth dropped open, and all X did was hold his hand out. He half prayed to whatever existed beyond him that Zero would take his hand. Half prayed he wouldn't.
Zero reached with both of his hands. They couldn't quite grasp X's, but he tried… he tried so damn hard and X saw it. He fell to his knees before Zero and tried to embrace him, but cruelty was the way of the world, there was no true touch.
But it was enough. X couldn't feel them when they fell on him, but he saw the tears slipping out of Zero's eyes. The blond was confused at them… but he smiled. X had never seen him smile since he woke up, and it was more beautiful than life itself. And it was for X only.
/Yet I always try to hide.../
X only came to him once, but it was enough. They hadn't spoken that night… yet somehow Zero was satisfied. All the pain he endured, all the fruitless fighting… he would do it again, for even longer, if he were promised another moment like that. Just to see X, to sort of feel him; Zero had felt as if his own soul had burst in his body, his heart started to bleed, but it was such a relief to see X again.
He had never cried like that before, not that he remembered. Nor had he ever smiled like that… and it was liberating.
For once the uncertainty was gone, the guilt of not remembering evaporating like desert chill. In those few moments in his presence, Zero felt peace and as if he was at home, as if he truly was this 'Zero' everyone claimed he was. It made Zero realize that as much as it hurt to lose his past, he had to move forward. It was the future, the now, that mattered.
Now he would make it up to X. His mistakes, his broken vows, he'd repent for them here and now.
But once more within Ciel's company, among the Resistance that had missed him so, Zero had to wonder why X kept such a distance. There was still yet a piece of the puzzle he needed to remember in order for this to absolve… and he needed X again.
A part of him worried, and was seemingly terrified of finding out what this piece was. Was it as bad as broken promises and betrayal? Zero was unsure… and was afraid to know. In a way he wanted to forget that missing piece and plow through ahead without yet. And yet that look on X's face that night… it was important. More important than any other memory, and the way Zero's heart ached both spurred him to the truth and kept him back.
Zero reached out to the empty air as he lay in the pod, his eyes soft as he tried to remember. But the memory was gone. Unlike the few others that were locked away… this memory no longer existed in its entirety. All Zero had was a feeling. But was a feeling enough to go by? He almost didn't want to know….
He dropped his hand. Face it later…
He had never cried like that before, not that he remembered. Nor had he ever smiled like that… and it was liberating.
For once the uncertainty was gone, the guilt of not remembering evaporating like desert chill. In those few moments in his presence, Zero felt peace and as if he was at home, as if he truly was this 'Zero' everyone claimed he was. It made Zero realize that as much as it hurt to lose his past, he had to move forward. It was the future, the now, that mattered.
Now he would make it up to X. His mistakes, his broken vows, he'd repent for them here and now.
But once more within Ciel's company, among the Resistance that had missed him so, Zero had to wonder why X kept such a distance. There was still yet a piece of the puzzle he needed to remember in order for this to absolve… and he needed X again.
A part of him worried, and was seemingly terrified of finding out what this piece was. Was it as bad as broken promises and betrayal? Zero was unsure… and was afraid to know. In a way he wanted to forget that missing piece and plow through ahead without yet. And yet that look on X's face that night… it was important. More important than any other memory, and the way Zero's heart ached both spurred him to the truth and kept him back.
Zero reached out to the empty air as he lay in the pod, his eyes soft as he tried to remember. But the memory was gone. Unlike the few others that were locked away… this memory no longer existed in its entirety. All Zero had was a feeling. But was a feeling enough to go by? He almost didn't want to know….
He dropped his hand. Face it later…
/'Cause I talk to you like children./
"… get to the point, X."
Despite the words, X wanted to smile. Zero was showing a bit more of his usual self since these days returning to Ciel's side. Perhaps she was good for him, unlike X himself.
"The Baby Elves--"
"No," Zero cut in, startling X. "No. I mean us. Quit dancing around it."
X felt his hands shake, so he clasped them behind his back. "I don't understand…"
"This!" Zero threw his hands up, determination and desperation in his eyes, his voice; it made X want to cringe. "This tension… this distance isn't normal. Why? Two months ago, when you—"
"This isn't the time or place," X scolded, adopting his no-nonsense tone. It made Zero go quiet. "Right now your priority is not me, but keeping those Baby Elves safe. Keeping Ciel and the others safe."
Zero shook his head slowly. "No…"
"Yes. That is your duty, now."
X looked away as Zero's piercing gaze tried to meet his eyes. "Then promise me you'll tell me, eventually. Give me a reason to go on."
X wanted to choke. Zero had all sorts of reasons to go on! Why did he need one from the person who was practically dead to him? "Fine… I promise."
Despite the words, X wanted to smile. Zero was showing a bit more of his usual self since these days returning to Ciel's side. Perhaps she was good for him, unlike X himself.
"The Baby Elves--"
"No," Zero cut in, startling X. "No. I mean us. Quit dancing around it."
X felt his hands shake, so he clasped them behind his back. "I don't understand…"
"This!" Zero threw his hands up, determination and desperation in his eyes, his voice; it made X want to cringe. "This tension… this distance isn't normal. Why? Two months ago, when you—"
"This isn't the time or place," X scolded, adopting his no-nonsense tone. It made Zero go quiet. "Right now your priority is not me, but keeping those Baby Elves safe. Keeping Ciel and the others safe."
Zero shook his head slowly. "No…"
"Yes. That is your duty, now."
X looked away as Zero's piercing gaze tried to meet his eyes. "Then promise me you'll tell me, eventually. Give me a reason to go on."
X wanted to choke. Zero had all sorts of reasons to go on! Why did he need one from the person who was practically dead to him? "Fine… I promise."
/Though I don't know how I feel.
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed.../
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed.../
Zero didn't care anymore. After Elpizo destroyed X's body, after his right to revenge was taken from him, nothing mattered. He should have been glad there was something salvageable of Elpizo… glad that he was still around to fight for the Resistance. Yet the images of X's body crumbling before his eyes, knowing that precious soul was now on a true timer… Zero rolled to his side and curled up into a tight ball.
He thought, once the fighting was done, he could recover who he was from X. That it was, as X said, a long painful road to walk… but at the end was the prize. Yet here he was, far from the end, and X wouldn't be there. He knew that much.
"Zero."
Zero sheepishly glanced upward, seeing X's ethereal form near him. Yet the usual peace was gone, replaced by the devastating strain of guilt. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," X knelt so they were eye to eye. But Zero couldn't look at him, didn't have the right after failing him. "I told you… I promised you something."
Now Zero looked at him, and seeing the great sadness in X's eyes, slowly sat up. "Do I have the right to know anymore?" Zero asked softly.
X got up and sat next to Zero on the pod, and despite their closeness, Zero registered no heat. Just the bare minimum sensation something was next to him, and it made Zero's heart clench.
"You do…" X muttered. "I was right to hide it… but you torturing yourself over it isn't helping you. So I will… show you."
Zero didn't get a say before X turned to him and, hands cupping his cheeks, leaned in to press his lips to Zero's. The blond's eyes widened, not at the action but the connection it established, and what came through that connection.
Images and sounds flooded his mind-space, leaving Zero still in X's breezy hold. He saw flashes of others' faces, men and women he once worked alongside with; he saw the enemies he took down with X at his side, the friends they had made and lost. He saw himself pulling a crying X into his arms just as he heard X whisper precious, precious words to him.
Zero saw himself kiss X as he heard himself repeat those words, and suddenly it was as if he awoke from a dream. It all stopped when X pulled away, but unlike the dreams before, Zero was left with clarity and understanding. For once, something made sense.
"I loved you," Zero whispered, and at the look on X's face, he went on, "And you loved me… for so, so long…"
"I still do." X's hands dropped from him. "But now, we can't…"
Zero raised a hand to his cheeks, where he still felt the calm coolness X's touch had left. "I took your dreams, your hopes… I wanted to make them come true…" It was like floodgates opening. Memories he still managed to retain, the few he had left, rushing to the forefront.
He raised his eyes to X's, who looked away. "Let me make it up to you," Zero said. "Let me prove to you I'm still worth it."
"Worth what?"
"Your love."
He thought, once the fighting was done, he could recover who he was from X. That it was, as X said, a long painful road to walk… but at the end was the prize. Yet here he was, far from the end, and X wouldn't be there. He knew that much.
"Zero."
Zero sheepishly glanced upward, seeing X's ethereal form near him. Yet the usual peace was gone, replaced by the devastating strain of guilt. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," X knelt so they were eye to eye. But Zero couldn't look at him, didn't have the right after failing him. "I told you… I promised you something."
Now Zero looked at him, and seeing the great sadness in X's eyes, slowly sat up. "Do I have the right to know anymore?" Zero asked softly.
X got up and sat next to Zero on the pod, and despite their closeness, Zero registered no heat. Just the bare minimum sensation something was next to him, and it made Zero's heart clench.
"You do…" X muttered. "I was right to hide it… but you torturing yourself over it isn't helping you. So I will… show you."
Zero didn't get a say before X turned to him and, hands cupping his cheeks, leaned in to press his lips to Zero's. The blond's eyes widened, not at the action but the connection it established, and what came through that connection.
Images and sounds flooded his mind-space, leaving Zero still in X's breezy hold. He saw flashes of others' faces, men and women he once worked alongside with; he saw the enemies he took down with X at his side, the friends they had made and lost. He saw himself pulling a crying X into his arms just as he heard X whisper precious, precious words to him.
Zero saw himself kiss X as he heard himself repeat those words, and suddenly it was as if he awoke from a dream. It all stopped when X pulled away, but unlike the dreams before, Zero was left with clarity and understanding. For once, something made sense.
"I loved you," Zero whispered, and at the look on X's face, he went on, "And you loved me… for so, so long…"
"I still do." X's hands dropped from him. "But now, we can't…"
Zero raised a hand to his cheeks, where he still felt the calm coolness X's touch had left. "I took your dreams, your hopes… I wanted to make them come true…" It was like floodgates opening. Memories he still managed to retain, the few he had left, rushing to the forefront.
He raised his eyes to X's, who looked away. "Let me make it up to you," Zero said. "Let me prove to you I'm still worth it."
"Worth what?"
"Your love."
/'Cause it's always raining in my head.../
X was a storm inside. A tornado of doubt, a hurricane of hope, and tsunami of guilt all wrapped up into the tiny space of his heart. But he was smiling despite the internal rain, and in a way, that's all that mattered.
It no longer mattered he would soon cease to exist. Soon, he could no longer see his beloved when he wanted, could no longer help him or reach out to him. Yet despite that despair inside, X laughed.
"You will save the world," X breathed, and Zero looked at him, imploring him. "And when you do…"
I'll come to you, Zero's mind said to him, and X tried to wrap himself with those words. I'll return to you, where I belong.
Their parting was bittersweet, and despite the tears, X still found himself smiling.
It no longer mattered he would soon cease to exist. Soon, he could no longer see his beloved when he wanted, could no longer help him or reach out to him. Yet despite that despair inside, X laughed.
"You will save the world," X breathed, and Zero looked at him, imploring him. "And when you do…"
I'll come to you, Zero's mind said to him, and X tried to wrap himself with those words. I'll return to you, where I belong.
Their parting was bittersweet, and despite the tears, X still found himself smiling.
/Forget all the things I should have said.../
If he looked back to his past, Zero would lose count of all the times he should have spoken his feelings. If he had known the future, he would have spent every moment in X's arms and told him how much he mattered. But Zero couldn't have known, and the blotchy past no longer mattered.
Facing the stars as the fire and explosions crept up to him, Zero felt at peace, true peace, for once in this lifetime. He had done his duty, his given destiny, and now it was up to people like Ciel to take care of the world. He could die, truly die this time, and return to where he belonged.
He should have said a lot of things in the past. But now, what mattered to Zero as the fires consumed hm and the explosions ripped him apart, wasn't the pain or what he just accomplished. What mattered was the first words he wanted to tell X when they were once more together.
I'll make it up to you, now. I'll love you and cherish you, as I should have done those years I left you.
Will you ever forgive me?
"… I did long ago, when I realized it wasn't the past that mattered."
Facing the stars as the fire and explosions crept up to him, Zero felt at peace, true peace, for once in this lifetime. He had done his duty, his given destiny, and now it was up to people like Ciel to take care of the world. He could die, truly die this time, and return to where he belonged.
He should have said a lot of things in the past. But now, what mattered to Zero as the fires consumed hm and the explosions ripped him apart, wasn't the pain or what he just accomplished. What mattered was the first words he wanted to tell X when they were once more together.
I'll make it up to you, now. I'll love you and cherish you, as I should have done those years I left you.
Will you ever forgive me?
"… I did long ago, when I realized it wasn't the past that mattered."