Bullet
"The hell are you sayin' this time, X?" I narrowed my eyes at him, and he kept pulling away from me.
"This isn't working, Zero." X said, calmly, in that no-nonsense tone he always took when he was dead serious and nothing could change his mind. It made me want to scream. "We're obviously too busy to be more than friends. You take too many liberties and I let you. I don't think we make each other happy, and—"
"You PMSing again?" I cut in. "C'mon, X, you're being paranoid. We're perfect for each other. How many times do I gotta tell you, prove it to you?"
"That's just it, Zero!" X threw his hands up in the air, and I felt more and more disconnected. "On the field, in times of depression and war, yes, we're just so fucking perfect! Peace, off the clock? Things get awkward. Random missions and you take off and you don't even bother to tell me. You expect me to just understand, to just take it. The first few times I can forgive, but damn it, Zero, you can't just up and leave me hanging on a whim. And I'm such a damned idiot that I let you get away with all sorts of shit no one would!"
I held my hands up. "Look, X, baby—"
"Don't 'X, baby' me! You think you can skirt by me and I'll just be innocent little X and put up with it cause I love you and we're best friends. You know what? There's only so much I can take! And the very fact of how close we are only makes it worse!"
"You're being stupid!" I finally shouted back. "I'm not doing shit to piss you off! Nothing is wrong with us, you're just stressed, stop being such a fucking woman!"
"I wouldn't be so damned stressed if you were a decent enough boyfriend to not add to it!" X, again, threw his hands up in the air, and the action only fueled my anger. What hell was his problem?
"Look," he finally rubbed his forehead, the usual 'sign of the end of this conversation' move. "I love you, Z. I really do. But something is just not working right now and I think we need to take a break."
"Take a break." I repeated, rather dumbly. "You mean, break up."
"If you want to be pessimistic enough to view it that way, yes. Time away from each other. Soul searching. Actually miss each other. Whatever. It's for the best."
"So this isn't even a decision we both make. You make it and I gotta take it." I whirled around gritting my teeth. "Fine! Whatever! Whatever the fuck you want, X, cause I'll be fucked if I'm so horrible of a boyfriend to not want to do whatever makes you happy!"
I left the room before he said anything, because frankly, at the moment, I seriously didn't care anymore.
~*~
The first week was unbearable, at least for me. He just seemed dandy; bouncing out of bed every morning like every night he didn't spend in my arms was the best damn thing since the Internet became staple in every country. I probably looked like a train-wreck—hair not brushed, eyes starting to get dry from staring in the dark and starting to crack and develop little red streaks, probably getting paler from lack of caring. I'm not too sure what pisses me off more: the fact he seems okay or the fact I'm letting it get to me.
I eventually got my eyes changed out, although I was tempted to change the color. But then that'd show weakness on my part, cause, why the fuck do I have to change anything about me? The thing I did change, though, was getting my damn hair cut. I knew right now, I didn't give a damn about keeping myself in a pristine condition while attempting to deal with my sudden new loneliness, so why should I have to suffer this extra bullshit? So I chopped it off. Now all I had to do was run my hand through it and that's that.
I probably turned more heads the first day I did that than when X and I walked the halls hand in hand the first time. Hell, when I reported in to Signas, who had X in his office, X looked ready to blow a gasket. He even opened his mouth, but I left before I could hear it. It's my hair, and since we weren't an item anymore, what say did he have?
Despite my little victory that day over him, and that really the extra freedom should have helped, I still missed the little shit.
The second week was all right, and it eventually was finally officially known we weren't together anymore. And holy shit did the world go insane. Alia was suddenly all over X again, and Layer about molested me every chance she could. Even when I caught Alia touching X excessively, I never felt jealous, and maybe a little smug when he would brush off her advances.
No, it wasn't until the fourth week, the one month mark, that I started to really notice how much I missed X. I was coping okay finally—I could sleep without thinking about him and was enjoying my day without him. Hell, I was probably getting to the point where I was considering I probably didn't need him as a friend anymore.
But when Axl, fucking little Axl, started flirting with X, I nearly went on a murder spree.
I didn't really notice it at first. Axl threw himself on everyone, even me; he was just that much of a kid. But I noticed he liked to grab X's hand for no reason, he leaned close to X when he didn't need to. I even caught him running his hand through X's hair when X fell asleep at a computer console.
When I realized Axl wanted X, I wanted to tear him to pieces.
When I realized X didn't mind Axl's attention, I wanted to disappear into a hole and die.
~*~
By the middle of the second month I confronted X. I wanted to wait, wanted X to be the first to break, but he obviously had more patience than me.
"We're only on break, right?" I asked him.
X looked up from his laptop, pushing aside some of his hair. "I believe that's what I said. But you wanted to break up."
"No, I did not!" I growled. I shoved my hand through my still short hair and willed myself to be calm. Winning X back did not involve getting angry.
"Okay, X. You win. I miss you. I can't stand it without you. Can we start up again?" I didn't plan on sounding like I was desperate, but just then I realized I certainly felt like I was.
X closed his laptop and stood up, giving me the coldest look I've ever seen him give.
"That's a shame," he said, evenly and plainly. "I don't miss you quite yet."
He walked out and I felt like I shut down for good.
I didn't recover from that conversation for a good two weeks. I applied for paid vacation and spent it in my room, staring at my wall, the recording of X's callous words echoing in my head. How could he say that to me? Did he seriously mean it or was he just testing to see if I really cared enough to be upset?
I was never good at dealing with these depressed feelings. When Iris died I didn't handle it well, I admit it, and even now I still don't know how to react. Except be angry.
And what's what I did. When it finally sank in, I was screaming bloody murder and smashing things. I picked up framed pictures of me and X and throwing them at the wall, making them shatter with the most satisfying sounds I've heard since the last time I fucked him. Anything that reminded me of X, I picked up and destroyed. I tore up pictures, smashed old presents, punched holes in my wall and even took a saber to my bed. By the time I sat on the floor, actually tired and drained, my entire room was utterly destroyed. Not even a Reploid could live in it.
I never cleaned up. I laid on the clear spot of the floor and slept there, since I had also destroyed my recharger pod. When I finally left my room and returned to work, anyone near me became miserable. My Unit hated me. I glared at everyone and even Layer couldn't stand me anymore. If I needed a recharge I went to Medical Bay. Eventually no one would talk to me outside of giving me my missions and, really, I was content with that.
Then I fully snapped.
I was going back to my room, back to the dump site it had become, when I saw X. Why he was in that hall I'd never know—his room was in the opposite wing. He apparently was going to come see me.
But then after I realized that and saw the rest of my surroundings, I noticed Axl was with him. And not just with him, but on him. Axl had pinned X to the wall and was kissing him, and X looked too shocked to do anything.
I roared like a demon and grabbed Axl by his scrawny little throat. I jerked him off X and slammed his head into the other wall, and I kept slamming his head even as X screamed at me to stop it and grabbed my arm. Only when X elbowed me in the face did I let Axl go.
"The hell is your problem?!" X demanded when I looked up at him from where he knocked me on my ass, my nose broken.
"Actually, don't even answer that!" he gathered the now unconscious Axl in his arms. When he turned to me his eyes, eyes I missed so fucking much, were blazing hatefully at me. "I can't believe you, Zero. Is violence and anger your way of coping with things? I'm fucking glad we're not together anymore—this could have been me! And here I was going to take you back… you can keep the hell away from me, Zero! I don't want to ever see you again!"
X walked away from me, and all I could do was watch him go, blood dripping down my face.
~*~
I thought X finally officially proclaiming he never wanted to see me again would crush me enough I'd kill myself. But, somehow I managed through the pain and went on, day to day. I quit making other people miserable, but I certainly wasn't sunshine. I was avoided like a plague, and I took every mission possible, even if it was highly risky or beneath me.
No, what utterly crushed me was watching X start over with another. He and Axl were the next big thing, the new romantic trend of HQ. It seemed like I no longer existed to X or the rest, and frankly, at the moment, I didn't care. After seeing him and Axl walking around, holding hands like we used to, life lost meaning. I lost lover and best friend. Purpose was gone, desire for justice evaporated.
Anger and hatred set in. He knew how bad I'd take it, knew how horrible I'd be if he left me. We've had extensive talks about it, late at night, holding each other close. Ominous whispers of how we'd be devastated, desolated, without each other. Now watching him, he obviously lied about it. It left me wondering what else he lied about, what else he tricked me into believing. I always thought X was pure, innocent, not even capable of hate or deceit. Now I see his true colors.
And I can only hate him.
Days went on, missions came and went, and I felt myself feel more and more disconnected with the world until, finally, I no longer felt like a part of it. As I walked my usual patrols of the hallways, people avoiding me, I didn't feel the ground under my feet. I didn't hear the whispers about me. I didn't see the walls or the windows or the doors or the people. Nothing mattered anymore.
I guess it got to people. Signas started to pair me and X up ahead for tag-team missions. I thought I'd be happy, or figured I'd be angry. I thought X would be an ass. But he didn't say a word and I didn't even look at him. If I didn't need his help I didn't call him, and if I did need his help, I texted him the messages. I didn't want to talk to him, and each time we passed each other during those quick switches during missions, he seemed as if he were hurt by the fact I won't even say good luck or anything to him like a good comrade would, and I enjoyed how he suffered.
I wonder how often he started to complain about it to his new boytoy. I wonder if he realized Axl wasn't all that and he lost the person who did, even if there were issues showing it, care the most. But it was too late for that. I was too far gone to care now, too far gone to want to care. As far as I was concerned, X was dead to me and I was just fine how I was, floating along til I finally died.
X didn't want me in his life. I didn't want him in mine either.
For a second there, I actually thought I convinced myself of that finally.
~*~
I wasn't going Maverick, but it felt like I was. I felt like reality was becoming my imagination, and my body did whatever it wanted. If it wanted to kill something, it did. If it wanted to bed Layer like the whore she was, it did. I just didn't care.
Thinking was becoming a chore. Life was gonna go on and I had to catch up, but each time I tried to, a piece of me keeps getting discarded. I wonder if there will be anything left of me eventually.
No sign of Sigma. Mavericks becoming duller and easier to handle. My whole life, work, purpose, it's all ending and I can't do a damn thing. What is left? What the fuck am I going to do?
It'd be easier if I was human. For once, I truly wish I was. I could age. I could grow old and weak and soon just sleep and never wake up. A Reploid can't do that. A Reploid just… exists. I just exist.
I want him back. Fuck myself and fuck him but I want X back.
If I had him back I'd have purpose. I'd have life and light, I'd have a sense of familiarity again, a sense of moral and justice. I'd be me again, at least a little more like me, if X was, at least, my friend again.
But each time I look at him I want to tear his head off. And then I look in the mirror, at the me with the short hair and bloodshot eyes and blank face, and wish I could tear my own head off.
But I've died before. Nothing comes from it. Death for me was unfulfilling and a fruitless labor of blackness. I didn't want to die, but at the same time, I did. What happened to me? Why am I like this?
Damn you, X. Damn you, and damn everything you ever believed in. I hope your utopia, if you ever make it, burns to the ground. I hope I do it myself.
As much as I rage, I can't raise my hand against him. I can't even yell at him anymore. I'm tired. Exhausted.
~*~
Why didn't I think of this before?
"You're serious? You'll do this? Why?"
"Because I can."
I climbed into the pod, even as scientists eagerly waited for me to shut up and finish the process. They saw me as a vessel of mystery to be picked apart, dissected and studied. And as long as I could just float in my dreams and nightmares, I didn't care.
"Zero…" X almost moaned. The pod shut over me and he pressed his hands against the glass. "Zero, I'm sorry. For everything. I… I…"
I stared at him, even as I felt the wires plug into me and began to soothe my systems, whispering to them in lines of gibberish code that somehow made sense. I could feel myself fall asleep, feel myself slip away, but still I kept my eyes on him.
"I was wrong, I was wrong," X whispered, but I could read his lips. I could read his mind, still, and I can't believe I kept that skill through all of this. "I'm sorry, Zero. I still love you. I'm sorry."
"That's fine," I said. I wasn't sure if he heard, or if he could read lips. I frankly didn't care. "But I'm not."
I finally shut my eyes. After so long of feeling disconnected, I finally just was. It was liberating. I hope they never figure me out. I hope I sleep forever, out of reach, away from him. Let him wallow in his regret. That's fine.
I didn't care.